In the future crabs will be a good thing. Instead of all that itching, they will be engineered to keep you dry and ventilated. They’ll stay in great shape by waving their little fan-like arms all the livelong day. There’s nothing symbiotic about itchiness, but if you had a little army of friends that kept you fresh, it’d be better than Gold Bond. That stuff really burns the men who guard the ass fort. It’s not an obscure reference; it was on basic cable! Why don’t you go Bea my Arthur, you lemon-scented ice queen! You can’t tell me to go to my room! Why don’t you go Rue the neighbor’s tender McClanahan! FINE THEN, HAVE IT YOUR WAY. Until you learn to behave, How-To’s will be posted on Wednesdays, you stupid tattle-tailing meaniehead.

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