Have you tried just about everything under the sun dried tomatoes to get rid of your back pain? Lower back pain? Quasi-intestinal pain with a dollop of tailbone torment? Are you tired of those magnetic therapy bracelets that make you look like you support Lance Armstrong’s fund for people wearing pink shirts with popped collars? Well there’s a secret solution to this preposterous problem. Ditch your daily double, your recurring remittance, your semiweekly salary, your jabby job. Then go ahead and gambol towards paganism, unicorn/devil worship, and the lecherous stock market economy.
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With this sensuous How-to, we return to our classic format, three panels to be adored by all. Bask in the conformity, nay, unity, of these panels. Envisage them covered in marmalade, dancing by a campfire with the aroma of chestnuts and burnt squirrel wafting throughout the not-so-sedentary colloquialism of the mother earth spirits meticulously crafted smorgasbord of life. Hummus-cabbage explosion! Righty-o, Carry on. Click HERE for MORE! »

In an effort to keep you on your toes, this How-To is only one panel. “One panel?” you say, “Aren’t you giving away the surprise before I even see it?” Yes, we’ve given away the structure. But think of the synthesis of the humor, the top-notch quality this one panel must contain! We’ve completely reinterpreted the whole necessity for a triptych of panels, a progression of events. This one panel is the alpha and the omega, not just one of many, but THE ONLY. Now take a deep breath and let that wave of conceptual titillation go and embrace the low-brow simplicity. Click HERE for MORE! »

So this is the second week in a row where the Friday How-To has been late. Now now, let’s not point fingers and say it was this many hours or minutes or seconds or even days late. It’s all relative, so this supposed infringement in our contractual obligation is really nothing more than a temporal shift in the perception of funny. That and I discovered Mojitos. You brie-cheese-spreading NPR-donating Rove-snorkeling Leftorium-supporting bible-clumping Shetland-whumping Orlando-thumping Brando-gumping industry cats would probably spell that Mohito, but we’re trying to class up this operation with a little cultural sofisticación. Click HERE for MORE! »

Nothing gives you validation quite like one of those little kits with the red crosses on them. Think of it this way - red crosses validate, blue crosses insure, black crosses gothify, silver crosses cause pregnancy and lycanthropic irritation, transparent crosses. . .well those are “special” items. There’s even an opaque cross of +1, that’s the bomb spiggity. Click HERE for MORE! »

I was looking at some flights, you know, because my sister was eaten by a boat. Then I found one that left from Newark. Should I take this moment to rag on NJ about smelling not-so-fresh? No, that would just be unnecessary. And for those of you who checked for a new How-To on Friday, we just uh, posted this late. Not on Monday or anything. Your outfit looks hotter than usual, and your hair really pulls the whole look together. Keep up the good work, you froufrou cookie muffin you. Click HERE for MORE! »

So I was surfing teh intarweb one time and there was this banner ad that was all like, “see teh hottest digital reviews with lots of pix and teh most hardcorest action evAr” so I clicked on in and d00d was it raunchy. There was this card reader that had 12 formats going into it at once! TWELVE! And I thought my sister was tearing apart the moral fabric of society. Click HERE for MORE! »

Celebrate independance… like you never danced before… independants… in your pants… Independence Day weekend. Or celebrate the announced retirement of Republican swinger Sandra Day O’Connor who’s just caused this game to become outdated… er, an instant classic! Or if you really don’t give two craps about America, just enjoy pounding a bunch of old geezers on the head.
Ooh, ooh, let me play!

Ah, to be home on the range. Installing a range top. When Little Timmy isn’t within the range of Janet and Ted’s adult talk. Maybe Little Timmy will grow up to have a wide vocal range. Or maybe he just needs to run away to be a scout ranger and find a long-range rifle. Click HERE for MORE! »