Since the beginning of time, philosophers have wondered about the nature of God. But what about the nature of gas? It’s got to be somewhat individual; everyone has their own genetic palette of intestinal rumblers. Maybe I’m genetically predisposed to high sulfur exports when I eat pan-seared kielbasa, potatoes and onions. Potato-leek soup doesn’t cause me to clear out the room, but I hear that can be a real kicker. There are the legendary combinations that seem to span quite nicely across the landscape of human digestion. I’d nominate any combination of salsa and beans. What’s that? You weren’t listening? Well, then, I heartily recommend the week-old shrimp scampi with a sprinkling of society’s crumbling foundations on top.
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So I hear that the National Oceanic & Atmospheric Administration is collaborating with musician Lou Bega so that all hurricanes from this date forth will be christened from the family-values-stomping hit “Mambo No. 5.� I admire the government for putting down the war-on-porn beating stick and helping its citizens to realize that a little bit of someone (even Rita) isn’t all they need. Speaking of Ritas, pass the tequila.
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In the future crabs will be a good thing. Instead of all that itching, they will be engineered to keep you dry and ventilated. They’ll stay in great shape by waving their little fan-like arms all the livelong day. There’s nothing symbiotic about itchiness, but if you had a little army of friends that kept you fresh, it’d be better than Gold Bond. That stuff really burns the men who guard the ass fort. It’s not an obscure reference; it was on basic cable! Why don’t you go Bea my Arthur, you lemon-scented ice queen! You can’t tell me to go to my room! Why don’t you go Rue the neighbor’s tender McClanahan! FINE THEN, HAVE IT YOUR WAY. Until you learn to behave, How-To’s will be posted on Wednesdays, you stupid tattle-tailing meaniehead.
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So you’re thinking “Hey, those jerks slacked off and missed Tuesday’s post! Kalamazoo to Bronx, I’ll get them yet!” Well did you ever think that maybe we had our own troubles to worry about? Like saving your sorry butt from the invasion of the moth people, that you never even knew was happening because we did such a good job defending earth? Huh? HUH? Yeah, that’s right. Guilt trip. Now enjoy two piping hot How-To’s, fresh out of the oven. Jerks. Click HERE for MORE! »